Going on a While Now

Welp, I'm still not very good at going to sleep early, but I do feel more rested. I don't have that twitchy feel anymore, that had me unable to focus for more than about two minutes. I'm enjoying my break from activites and people, even though I'm still doing a lot of family stuff. Family, I love you, but SERIOUSLY. Do you remember when I used to read all day and ignore everyone until you called my name three times when I was like eight? This is my grown-up version.

I always hated people who counted down the days til Friday, but this week I am glad. It means rest, and I am looking forward to being full of rest.

Housewarming soon. Who knows how long I'll be there, but it's a good excuse to make cute invitations and have people over to get a sugar high on homemade ice cream and popsicles. Mmmm, ice cream. Blackberries and Strawberries and Blueberries, how I love summertime in California.

I like these prints; especially the captions:
http://www.buildingaworld.com/store/product.php?productid=16838&cat=273&page=4

On a lighter note...

I have a new house. Renting. Hardwood floors. I'm working on making it home-y, but as we all know my home is not here, so... yeah I'm done with that sentence. I also got the chip in my front tooth filled and it looks all pretty and shiny and I almost got in an accident on my way home from the dentist because I was admiring it in my flip-down mirror.

I finally slept for nine hours in a row. Hoo-ray.

I'm making popsicles. But it's only in the low nineties outside. Bad timing.

I had a waffle breakfast picnic with the cutest three and six year old girls ever, after having a sleepover complete with dancing and nailpainting and smoothie-making. And digging in the dirt and nailing together a table. Sleepovers should be well-rounded in my opinion.

I made yummy frozen almond ice cream/salty butterscotch brownies. I think I need help naming my food creations.

Where I've Been...

Here, in the Golden Trout Wilderness, backpacking with two awesome girls.

Here, in the Alabama Hills, preparing to summit Mt. Whitney - that middle, jagged peak, right above me & my pop's head. 22 miles, 6100ft elevation gain, on about an hour's sleep. And I want to do it again.

Here, at CAMP! With my BIG KIDS! And apparently an army of

CLOWN-MAKEUP ARTISTS!

Here, at gorgeous Hume Lake.

Here, in front of the mirror, preparing to rock eighties/disco for bowling with

my girls.

Here, on Oahu for Thanksgiving with Brad and Cortney - they just make me smile whenever I think of them.

Here, in Kaua'i, standing on the edge of the Napali coast about a mile in. Everywhere else on my "most beautiful place on earth" shifted down one. Jagged mountains into turquoise ocean. Mmm Mmm.

Here, hiking in the hills with my new favorite kids, Mark and Megan, and Pam!, whose name is always noted with an exclamation point in my head because she is that full of energy.

And most recently, here. In Kenya. I was there with my bigkids for ten days. More on that, and the rest of this, later.

The Lord has been good to me.

coming out of the closet

So on Wednesday night Jodi and I had to have a conversation before youth group began, so we were like WHERE can we even meet where there's no students? Cause they are EVERYWHERE. Which is good. So we went into one of the supply closets off the game room, where there was barely enough room for the two of us to sit on the ground. We were talking for a while, can kinda hear the kids outside, and a few of the j/h boys were messing around and one of them hung on the door handle and opened it and jumped. You should have seen his face - he seriously almost peed his pants. So that was funny, we laughed and then talk talk talk.

And THEN I guess there was this mom wandering around who had brought a new j/h student and a new high school student and wanted to talk to a leader real quick to make sure they'd be alright. And Jenn (a j/h leader who was in the game room when we shocked the kid earlier) couldn't find any other leaders and so she was like, well..., um, you see..., ah, I think theeeyyrree in here. And she opens the door and we tumble out of the closet and are like, hey, new mom, sure we'll take care of your kid, no funny business here.

And we shook her hand and went back into the closet and shut the door cause we weren't finished. sO maybe you had to be there but it was pretty funny. And it was totally the perfect place for private convos - I am so using it from now on. The end.

Hey there Girlfriend.*

So like two weeks ago we had this amazing girls' night where we went to see the Phantom of the Opera at the Pantages in Hollywood. It was a gorgeous evening - perfect temperature in the seventies, lovely sunset, fun dresses, and best of all we saw the Phantom! The Music of the Night is my favorite song and my favorite scene - the boat floating through the fog and then the Phantom sings to Christine as she wavers between Raoul (yeck) and letting herself fall under the Phantom's spell. It was beautiful.

...where should we eat?yummy italian!
please, no catcalls.

dutifully reading the playbill. while in line for the ladies'.

*to be read with sass. I don't really talk like that.

Mornings

Not my strong point.
Monday I woke up late. Really late. No time for soda. This is my thought process:

7:30am Crap crap crap late for work

7:31am Nope no time to get a soda

7:32am* Have a two litre in my car

7:35am Maybe today I'll quit drinking it.

8:00am Yes, today will be the day

9:23am Maybe I should get some work done...can't concentrate...

9:45am two litre in my car

9:46am* nope, today is a good day to quit. save money. lose weight easier. healthier.

10:30am really can't concentrate...what were those reasons again?

10:49am come on, lunch date with ao

10:59am today is still a good day to quit. it's half over.

11:30am WHAT THE CRAP WAS I THINKING.
TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY TO QUIT DRINKING CAFFEINE.

12:03pm bowl ao over to grab the soda cup, but of course i'm at sequoia where their sodas are so foamy it only fills 2/3 of the cup and takes an hour to un-fizz so i have to get up like three times to refill it.


*And yes, it does take about a minute per thought, when I don't have caffeine.

Lately

Lately I've been busy. But good. And experiencing joy.

This Week:

Someone put dog food in the candy jar in our front office. I'm waiting to hear gagging sounds.

I finished reading Velvet Elvis. Love the ending. The chapter on truth doesn't sit so wonderfully, though I know what he was getting at.

I went to hang out with Brooke to maybe go get her a new tattoo but we couldn't. But had fun anyway! Yeah, the ethical implications of my actions are too vague for me to even bother spending more than a few minutes on it. Whatever.

I rediscovered Psalm 116. And this verse - I totally want someone to push me over so I can use it - "You pushed me, that I might fall, but the Lord helped me."

I had fun with Taylor after church Wednesday! Seriously love that girl. And the bigkids played field hockey in the gym. None of us had played before so I'm sure it was like watching five year olds play bumblebee soccer, but we got better towards the end. And I am sore.

...which will totally be helped by the fact that I'm going to jump in an ice-cold pool tonight for the polar bear plunge with the same bigkids.

OH AND I TOTALLY HAD AN EPHIPHANY (see previous post)
I went hiking like a year ago and sat and wrote down everything I like to do and everything I'm good at and my gifts and all that crap, looking for something to be my "thing" and I came up with this vague answer:
I LOVE TO CREATE COMMUNITY.
How I got that is a long story, and what it actually means is still being discovered... as I hope it is my whole life long. However, I've realized that this whole past year I've been trying, mostly subconsciously, and sometimes with purpose, to create community in several different places around me. And I feel like I've been failing. Like trying to keep sheep together without a pen, trying to keep track of them all and help them find and join with each other, dangit, but they keep finding their own way off and then I'm spinning in circles trying to keep track of them all...
Anyway I needed to realize this was why I feel frustrated a lot, because now I am beginning to see the places where it has improved and it helps me not feel so frustrated. But it is a work in progress, as am I. I'm not very good at my "thing" yet. I need to work on figuring out ways to develop it. Hmmmm. Lots to ponder.

Whew. What a month. In a nutshell, this is what December contained for me:


occupational hazard (or party?) planned
35 kid's gifts for above wrapped
a three-day trip to Redding
4 holiday parties in one week
getting tanned
Brother's wedding
Christmas with the family
hours many of overtime to close out the year
not being alone, ever, except while sleeping


January started a little bit better as I took time off from the world at large by hiking alone on New Year's Day (except that I chose the beach for it's beauty and was rewarded with a "happy new year!" and a big grin from each of the fifty people I passed that day. shudder). I also got a ton of crap done that I'd been putting off, and threw Italian Food Nite where I packed in all the fun cooking and baking I hadn't been doing into one day.


As for the part about where December depressed me, or put me in a funk, in the midst of all the happy activity, that I haven't quite figured out or pushed through completely? More on that later. When I figure it all out. I will say that a) Christ again confirmed that I am to be here, now, ugh, and b) I decided to designate Tuesday nights as alone time because my, oh my, how grouchy and awful I can get if I am not alone ever.


So for anyone who feels neglected, I will call/see you soon to reinstate our friendship.


About a million pictures came from the above activities, and my favorites follow:

OH WAIT. I FORGOT I BROKE THE SCREEN ON MY LAPTOP WHEN I KNOCKED IT OFF MY BED.

all I want for Christmas is to never see another sugar cookie ever never ever

Last night I saw several friends from highschool for the first time in over a year. The last time was for Dana's baby shower, and that adorable little one is now toddling around her kitchen. It was good to see them. And we made a million sugar cookies! Seriously, so many. And DID YOU KNOW they make neon food coloring? Some of the things we said/did made me happy that I would have chosen the same friends over again:

We made aliens, and wrote sloppy names on cookies for people who weren't there, and made fun of each other, and listened, and really just didn't care that we hadn't seen each other much in the last seven years. We just hung out and had fun. No round-the-tables of how each person's doing or deep conversations. I think we were a third of the way into the evening when I found out one of them had gotten married about six months ago to her long-time boyfriend. Not too many remember-whens except to laugh at each other. It was fun, and a little strange, because we seriously all look almost completely the same. I still like my friends.

Ahh, nostalgia. And now: self-reflection. What a cheesy way to end the year.

Spending time with these people makes me realize how much I've morphed over the years. I'm still myself, definitely, but sheesh, I wasn't even into country music yet in high school. At friend-gatherings then I'd keep most things inside, standing by with an amused smile on my face. Now I blurt out whatever comes to mind, minus profanity.

I'm comfortable with who I've become. I have no fear. No regrets thus far. Thanks be to God.

Bluhuughyeckmeh

Not sure that there's really more to say than that. The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind that I've moved slowly through, dragging my feet. There's not much else to do in a whirlwind. So much going on for the Christmas season, which will definitely be fun but the current attitude is a little blah. Sometimes I don't like myself verymuch.

Reflection: Thanksgiving was awesome with the family. My cousins and my sister crack me up. I am super super super thankful for my friend Sarah who came to visit and help me endure the family-ness. She even came to the bridal shower we threw my sister-in-law. That, by the way, turned out fairly nice as showers go. So anyways Sarah and I had a restful time for my staycation in Bakersfield. We cooked the turkey for thanksgiving, watched some movies, shopped, and talked a lot about life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus and his people. Thanks Sarah.

Synopsis: SICK. I have a deep man voice. Call me, I'll be your tenor. Maybe I should hire-out to be a serenader for Christmas presents. I've been not talking to people much at all, hanging out with my mom, and running lots of errands. It does feel good to get things done. But I am STILL sick. Perhaps that is partly the reason for the blah.

Favorites: Comfort things. Trader Joe's Spinach-Filled Tortellini with sea salt and olive oil. I've been eating it all week. Old country music like John Michael Montgomery's Life's a Dance (you know you dig the 90's clothes). It's my all-time favorite country song and I make myself not listen to it too much so I don't get tired of it but lately it's been on replay. Wearing jeans and my vintage gloves every day.

Can someone shoot me with an "I CARE" drug please? Because I really don't right now.

O What a Beautiful Morning

So far this morning, I have:

lain awake for THREE hours listening to our landlord's dog bark. Not sure how the landlord slept through it or how the dog managed to bark so long without even stopping to take a drink of water.

realized I never did call my best friend on her birthday at the end of the day yesterday like I'd planned.

hit my head (hard) on the shower faucet.

hit my head on my car door as I was getting out of it, effectively knocking the sunglasses off my face.

been hit on by a so-smooth old guy in a maroon camero. eeeewww.

tracked mud on my bathroom floor from the boots I put on for work.


lookin' forward to the rest of it. if Carrie Underwood sings "Get Out of This Town" and Little Big Town sings "Lost", it will more than make up for the crappy beginning.

Daily

Thoughts from the last few days -

Maybe I should make someone go into Sephora for me so ALL I buy is my Bare Minerals Foundation. Or I could order online, but I want the bag.

Ow. Mom. A paintball just exploded on my cheek.

Where have all the cowboys gone? Where have I gone?

Buying a 2liter of Diet Pepsi is cheaper than buying two big 1liter bottles. And I'll drink it before it unfizzes anyway.

I will not compete with a high schooler. I will not compete with a high schooler.

Having a coldsore wants me to explode into profanity like pretty much nothing else in the world.

It's weird that I'm so stuck on Jars of Clay, of all bands, right now. The last time this happened I was pretty unhappy, in like jr high. Crap.

A big male shoulder would be really nice right now.

Sequel

You know when you're reading a VERY good book, and the author ends it in a way that kind of doesn't make sense? When even though you have the sequel and can find out all about it in the next book, you're thinking the whole time, yeah if I were writing this it would just NOT end this way. The story would most definitely not be headed this direction.


I've been feeling that way lately about my life. Change is coming. I'm moving out of the place with the folks and into an apartment closer to the things I do with the short 24 hours in each day. It's about time, I know, and yes, I am excited about the new place. Which is why I was confused for a couple of hours today when I seemed to... sink into myself. My life is changing, which is good. I like change. The sinking came with the realization that I always expected to be somewhere else right now. I definitely don't wish my life away, but I want change with a caps-c, not slight change.


See, if this was my story...I'd be headed to San Francisco right now. Right now when my job is boring and un-challenging. Right now when I have few friends. Right now when I'm looking at another winter full of dull gray skies and no rain. I'd be headed to a tiny apartment in an old building in the fading light, walking up steep hills to work and play, eating whatever kind of ethnic food I want and making friends with people that care about the things I care about.


BUT. This is not my story to write. It is mine to tell, but it belongs to Jesus to write it. I won't go into the details of the why or the how I know I'm not supposed to leave. The, Jesus, I said I'd live anywhere and be anything you wanted me to be, but here, in this fake in-between? It feels like purgatory. I'll just say that Bakersfield is where he wants me right now, and faith (which I'm not very good at in the first place) is the only reason I'm not going crazy. That and the morbid fascination with what could possibly happen in purgatory in the next couple of years. Hopefully I'll get excited again about the small things. The change with the small-c. And until then?

Here's to His sequel being better than anything I could ever write.

I got the joy - JOY

Down in my heart. I do. It began as unrest, and pressure from the holy spirit like an anvil on my chest, to pray and pray hard. So I did. I prayed for everyone I could think of, not knowing if this anvil was for a specific person or for something to come, or for the church as a whole. I realized a while into pondering, though, that it doesn't matter. God will reveal it to me as he sees fit*, and I just need to get over the wonderin' and on with the prayin'.

This is one of those times where I'm not even sure why God asked me to pray. Who am I that I should have the privilege of interceding on behalf of others? Especially recently I seem bogged down by my own sins and shortcomings. But this persistance of the Spirit was so clear that it seemed to bring one fact to light for me: no matter where I am, as a follower of Christ, he will use me as he sees fit, when he sees fit. My sins are gone to him, scattered. I should pay them no heed except as to confess and not fall in again. So I began to pray.

AND THEN CAME THE JOY. This morning. Overwhelming. I feel clean, free, joyful, desiring and thirsting for the things of God like I haven't in a long, long time. I feel like I should be spinning in an open field, arms wide, and falling on my face before God. This whole experience is entirely other than myself, and it's beautiful to have God working deep down in my heart. I still feel burndened, but my Jesus, the joy, thank you. I want to drink the deep water.

*PS if you were going through a hard time during this time, it's probably you I'sa been a-praying for and if you want to tell me about it I want to hear it.

L.A.

Tourists always talk about going to LA. How cool it sounds. But anyone even remotely local knows that you don't go to LA. You go to Pasadena, or Laguna Beach, or Malibu, or Santa Monica, or any number of other places. Usually I'm of the opinion that the only thing touristy places are good for are people watching, but this last weekend...

We went to LA.

We went to Hollywood.

We went to Venice Beach.

And let me tell you, it was pretty amazing.

A giant fancy hotel with a cityscape view? Ice cream from room service at one am? Ethiopian food in the middle of little Ethiopia? Amoeba Records? Crazy (crazy expensive more like it) thrift store? Church the way it should be? Check check check check check check. Don't get me wrong, the people watching at Venice was amazing, as was the people watching in Hollywood. There was just more to it than that. Atmosphere. Vibe. Henna tatoos? Oh yes. Check it out. My leg, Holly's hand. The best part was the guy at the henna place with skeezy tatooed across his neck.

The weather was gorgeous too. I think I've found a few new favorite places, made all the better by some of my favorite people. And a word about Church? This church is active, the people are real, they care about social issues, and have great worship. Check it out. Thanks Naph, for the invite.

Should I stay or should I go now...

I believe I'll stay for a while, here in Bakersfield. Doing youth ministry at Calvary. It's what God wants of me, it's pretty clear. I've decided, and I have peace. The deep-seated kind, the kind that doesn't make me stress anymore. Still waiting for the joy to come around, though... maybe I should pray for it? That'd probably be a good idea. I am so thankful that I get to spend more time with the incredible young women that I love so much to work with and talk about Jesus with. And that I get to meet new ones. It's just... the living here is a challenge at times. Here where there isn't a lot of new things. Of city-wide parties, of farmers markets, of outdoor concerts, of ethnic food, of shorelines and hikes and green grass. But maybe... maybe I would be caught up in those things. Here where there's nothing else I like means I focus all my time, energy, and brain on the one thing that I love doing here. Because really? I don't want to be standing in a flower market, alone, or on a train in some random country when Christ comes back. I want to be discipling his church. To be in the process of being discipled. Drinking the deep water.

So, decision made, ready to roll, I of course break out my list-making skills. Because I know the fact that I haven't had time to pluck my eyebrows or get more than six hours sleep ever has got to change if it means I'm going to continue to live here. Since not many read my blog, I'll get personal here and let those who do read in on my lists:

Fact: I do not have enough time. Or energy.

Things that are important to me:

Jesus time

my big kids

my family

community/friends

sleep/exercise/eating right

Possible Solutions:

live alone

live closer to my job/ministry

don't hit snooze in the mornings

say no more. I used to be so good at it.

eventually find a less-hours job I can live off of

put time into specific people (like make a list), dang it.

That's all for now folks. I do value opinions, by the way. Happy Sunday.

The weekend in Redding was, well, amazing.

In spite of all the blindness I experienced the last two days. It made Heidi laugh, so I guess there was some worth to it. My eye swelled up in some sort of allergic reaction and there was much pain. And I couldn't see. Sarah had to lead me around townh I wore my sunglasses inside. I had to stay an extra day. And what's really weird is I'm not usually a drama queen, but somehow I have the urge to tell everyone I see in dramatic detail about this significant event. Maybe I would be a drama queen if more things like that actually happened to me. The saddest part was that it was gorgeous weather the last two days. Perfect park or lay out by the lake days. And I couldn't even see them. sigh.


Other than that, it was a great weekend. Sarah and I talked A LOT about real things, which was amazing. And made fun of the 3 incredibly strange conversations I had with service people at the grocery store, dinner, and the pizza guy. I realized when I shop I talk to the clothes and shoes. "you're so pretty." "too bad you're too tall for me." "shirt, you remind me of a vampire and I love you." ACK! Though I wear much black, I do not have vampy style.


It was good to be in real community. And to worship at the Stirring, an amazing community of believers.


PS - it has to be noted that despite our goal to take lots of cute pictures, these are the only ones I ended up with on the camera (well, this is about half of them). Maybe I'm a little narcissistic? But really, I was alone and trying to kill ten minutes before church. Duh, what would you do? Oh, right. Get the heart ready to worship.

Next time, Sarah, next time.

Summer Fun

This video gives a small glimpse of what my extended family's annual beach trips are like. My two cousins, sister and I were out for a walk in cute Cambria where they do things like name their houses. These houses line the shore. This house is named the Wave House. So, naturally, we waved. And I think this video also aptly demonstrates why Kati should be president of the Kreeper Klan and not my Aunt Terri. Turn up the volume. It's the fact that we're laughing so hard at this that makes me love my family so much.

The Sleepover

Recently, before all the young ones went back to shkool (Adam Sandler, can it really be said without reference to Billy Madison?), we had a sleepover for all the high school girls in the youth group that I work with. My great friend Naphtali joined us for the evening as she was in town and I convinced her it would be fun. And you know what? About halfway through the night I found myself thinking how much better high school is the second time around. But I digress. I must include a general schedule of the evening along with photos of the fun, because let me tell you, IT WAS FUN.


7:30-8:30pm: Fun girly music, giant coloring books, those cool big blowup bouncy balls with the rubber bands, a little nail-painting, a little friendship bracelet-making. And snacks.


8:30-9:30pm: Break out the bubble machine. Break out the flashing hula-hoops. Break out the techno music. Break out the strobe lights. Turn off the lights. And wait for it, wait for it, BREAK OUT THE GLOWSTICKS. And, logically, breakopen the glowsticks and slash them
all over your clothing 'til you glow like a neon fish. Commence dancing like a maniac along with twenty five other females. Include conga line. Who ever said alcohol was necessary to have a good time has certainly never tried this. Works every time.


9:30-10:30pm: Take the glowsticks out to the park and jump on a giant slip-n-slide in the dark. Go back inside for pazookie, which they all seem to be crazy about.


10:30-11:59pm: More serious nail painting, major make-up doing (no matter what anyone else says, Page's makeup looked GOOD and I did not make her look like a hooker), and then the appearance of Melissa who was gracious enough to coax everyone's hair into fantastic do's with fun temp hair colors. No one looked even remotely like the cookie monster. Tastefully done, Melissa, tastefully done.



12:00-01:30am: Watch Goofy Movie on a giant screen. That's right.


01:30-03:00am: Olivia and I make a little trip downstairs to the bathroom which is in the gym (read: middle of the night in a dark cavernous space). La-de-dah, talking, peeing, la-de-dah, open the door, PERSON STANDING RIGHT THERE IN CLOWN MASK AND BLACK CLOTHING. Definitely a Scream Movie type moment. Except (HA!) person forgot it was Olivia and Beth he was scaring, who don't scream but just stand there, holding our breath, until he runs away and is immediately recognized as high school boy #1. We run outside and see high school boy #s 2-5 join him in flight. Run suckers run. Enter captain Julie who leads high school girls in fast pursuit with (of course prepared) ammunition of water balloons and super-soakers. High school boy #s 1-5, high school youth pastor, and husband (read: momentary enemy) of captain Julie run far away, never to return.


8:30-9:00am: Gentle loud music floats over twenty passed-out people, one of which looks at her phone and mumbles oh crap before literally grabbing her purse and stumbling out the door, forgetting all of
her belongings. Fortunately the music was too loud to hear her fall down the stairs (jk, jk Shelby).


All in all it was a super-sleepover and we must do it again.

Young Thang

Hey, we've all heard. McCain's taken the mommy of the year on board. I'm not sure what I think yet, as I don't personally know the woman, and don't like to get involved in politics. But I do read the news regularly via the BBC, and so I happened upon this article the day of. SORRY, but all I could think was, what is she wearing? Normally I wouldn't say this, but she seems like an otherwise sensible person, who is actually cute and has good smart-woman style. Like one of those women you'd want to be friends with, eh? But that's what they said about Hillary too, so, you know. It's all up to the American voters.