still.at.work.

everyone else left over an hour ago. hate on this computer. hate. need stress release. brother-wedding in socal leaving tomorrow could be either big stress release or cause of spontaneous combustion. pray it is the first.

i do have to tan (or freckle, if we're going for accuracy) at two so i will be gone by then even if it means no one gets paid next wednesday. and am hungry. tummy grwols in sympathetic frustration with my brain. hate computer. hate.

all I want for Christmas is to never see another sugar cookie ever never ever

Last night I saw several friends from highschool for the first time in over a year. The last time was for Dana's baby shower, and that adorable little one is now toddling around her kitchen. It was good to see them. And we made a million sugar cookies! Seriously, so many. And DID YOU KNOW they make neon food coloring? Some of the things we said/did made me happy that I would have chosen the same friends over again:

We made aliens, and wrote sloppy names on cookies for people who weren't there, and made fun of each other, and listened, and really just didn't care that we hadn't seen each other much in the last seven years. We just hung out and had fun. No round-the-tables of how each person's doing or deep conversations. I think we were a third of the way into the evening when I found out one of them had gotten married about six months ago to her long-time boyfriend. Not too many remember-whens except to laugh at each other. It was fun, and a little strange, because we seriously all look almost completely the same. I still like my friends.

Ahh, nostalgia. And now: self-reflection. What a cheesy way to end the year.

Spending time with these people makes me realize how much I've morphed over the years. I'm still myself, definitely, but sheesh, I wasn't even into country music yet in high school. At friend-gatherings then I'd keep most things inside, standing by with an amused smile on my face. Now I blurt out whatever comes to mind, minus profanity.

I'm comfortable with who I've become. I have no fear. No regrets thus far. Thanks be to God.

In Review.

Most people I know make new year's resolutions. Well, I kind of make quarterly goals. What? I work in accounting and a lot of people I know are still in college. It makes sense to follow a quarterly schedule. And perhaps I'm unwilling to let on that my life is now measured more in years than in semesters or summers. And it IS a lot easier to achieve new year's resolutions when you are used to doing so all year round. The following are my fall goals and achievments which have sat on my desk at work for the past 3 1/2 months:

1. get skinny
halfway done
2. move out
done
3. do some serious bible study
ummmm
4. write more letters
don't think I wrote any
5. eat well
halfway done
6. improve posture
slouching as I write this
7. excel in my job
doing better even though I should be working right now...

Obviously I didn't do so well. Perhaps I should only choose three for the winter quarter? This will take some serious thought. I did decide a long time ago that I do much, much better at intangible goals (such as do better, improve, less, more) than tangible goals (percentages, amounts, 5 times a week). So I'll stick to intangibles for winter. And choose 5 maybe. Cause for reals yo, if I accomplished all my goals I'd be bored.

PS been working on a post about the latest trip to Redding. Forthcoming. Busy busy busy busy times are being had by all.

Bluhuughyeckmeh

Not sure that there's really more to say than that. The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind that I've moved slowly through, dragging my feet. There's not much else to do in a whirlwind. So much going on for the Christmas season, which will definitely be fun but the current attitude is a little blah. Sometimes I don't like myself verymuch.

Reflection: Thanksgiving was awesome with the family. My cousins and my sister crack me up. I am super super super thankful for my friend Sarah who came to visit and help me endure the family-ness. She even came to the bridal shower we threw my sister-in-law. That, by the way, turned out fairly nice as showers go. So anyways Sarah and I had a restful time for my staycation in Bakersfield. We cooked the turkey for thanksgiving, watched some movies, shopped, and talked a lot about life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus and his people. Thanks Sarah.

Synopsis: SICK. I have a deep man voice. Call me, I'll be your tenor. Maybe I should hire-out to be a serenader for Christmas presents. I've been not talking to people much at all, hanging out with my mom, and running lots of errands. It does feel good to get things done. But I am STILL sick. Perhaps that is partly the reason for the blah.

Favorites: Comfort things. Trader Joe's Spinach-Filled Tortellini with sea salt and olive oil. I've been eating it all week. Old country music like John Michael Montgomery's Life's a Dance (you know you dig the 90's clothes). It's my all-time favorite country song and I make myself not listen to it too much so I don't get tired of it but lately it's been on replay. Wearing jeans and my vintage gloves every day.

Can someone shoot me with an "I CARE" drug please? Because I really don't right now.

don't fence me in

atop a hill at the edge of the windwolves preserve

complex

I'm aware this is a complex issue. These are just my thoughts.

Ok, so I know that men are basically autonomous beings. They think in relation to themselves, to reason, and hopefully, are directed by God. Women are more relational and most often think in relation to other people. These two things make sense to me, and it's visible everywhere. At the base, we were somewhat designed that way.

I have many brothers who believe in submission of wives (in the best sense) to their husbands, and that men should lead women in all things spiritual and otherwise. Hey, it's in the Bible. I believe it too - it's just in the application that it becomes perverted. These men truly love Jesus and are seeking to follow him. They have my respect. But this is one of their big points and they stand strong on it.

So why, when we women come off as dependant on guys, or caring a little too much about what guys think of them, do these men fail to understand where it comes from? I know that, once glorified, we won't care what anyone thinks of us except for Christ. And we should be working to get to that point our whole lives long. But really? Doesn't it just make sense that the way we were designed at our core, from the beginning, would be the one thing that sin and Satan would pervert the most? Obviously Eve being made to support Adam made her a relational being from the get-go. And he was to lead her from the get-go. And so it is, that since sin entered the world, we are unable (duh, the nakedness) to relate on that perfect level. And women, being on the more relational side, have the hardest time with it. Of course we are going to care what men think. If you, men, are in the camp that says you're supposed to lead us, it should be obvious we are going to look to you for opinions on everything, especially ourselves. We're not so easily separated from man as he is from us. It's all wrapped up together. Intertwined.

Ok then, kiddies, let's all start leading and supporting each other the way we should. And perhaps a little more compassion for the beautiful half and our identity issues?

...

"Yeah, man, it was a great holiday weekend; I didn't have to shoot anybody, I didn't have to trample anybody..."

Thanks Rick. That's exactly what I wanted to her.