In Hate

10 Things I Hate About You - obviously one of my favorite movies. Playing in my head, lately, is the list that she runs down; the actual 10 Things I Hate About You poem:


I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you-
not even close-
not even a little bit-
not even at all.

I'm a careful person when it comes to this kind of thing. I take the "guard your heart" advice fairly seriously. I don't give my heart away or spend tons of time thinking about someone who I know doesn't care for me back. Same for guys that may be a little interested in me, but I know won't work for me in the end. They may be charming and funny, but could I live the rest of my life with them? NO. It's all kind of pointless in my book, then, to lose my heart over something that has no good end. I like to see the big picture. This doesn't mean that I won't give some guys a fair chance. I will, but I'm able to see fairly quickly what it looks like on the other side. However, the few times I have seen possibility in a guy with whom I already have some semblance of a relationship (usually friendship), I tend to end up reciting the above poem. Except, because it's my life and not the movie version, I'm never sure, as Kat was, of the love (or guitars) on the other side. It's the reason for the hate. I hate it when I feel things for a guy with whom there's no guarantees; with whom I've let down a little of my guard to become friends, and ended up with the not-hating in the above referenced poem.

This happened a while back and now I'm peering around the corner, trying to see down the same road. The problem? I don't regret the last time. It's not enough to make me wall up my heart and my self and never be able to feel again. When will I learn my lesson? And what should that lesson even be? Should I just not be friends with guys? It doesn't happen with every guy I'm friends with. Should I feel the not-hate and know the gamble is worth it for the possibility? Or should I just roll through it quickly and not let it bother me as much so I can get over it faster? I'm not so sure where to go from here, and I'm not so sure why I'm like this. You'd think I'd be a little better at these things by now. huh.