here, where I am, and where I am not...

I'm not sure how to explain where I'm at right now. For a long time I was content; a little happy, even. I'm in this place, physically and ministry-wise, that I know I'm supposed to be in. It's CLEAR. For now, until I'm guided elsewhere, I need to be loving and discipling all these high school girls. My bigkids. And I truly enjoy it. I love the depth, and the mini-society that is created in the group. I love helping, and watching them grow.

Lately it's been more difficult, though. Were there just more distractions this fall? I don't really think so. But the last month or so I've been having a hard time. I think the issue arrives when I recognize that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be here. I would be living differently, I hope. I would be traveling, and in a place where I have good community, and working in a job I liked more. I would live in a city, or I would live nowhere. I would have more time to be creative. We've talked about all this, yes? I feel like there are no more life-changes I can make here in Bakersfield. I live in as cheap an apartment as I can get away with where my kids' parents still let them hang out. I'm working hard at my job and am very thankful right now that I have a job. I'm trying to create community here as much as possible. I'm as me as I can get here. Yet there is still this sense that... this isn't me. The putting on hold of my dreams and desires and the way I'd like to be living is grinding out this loss of self. I want to throw my head back and howl in the grocery store that this isn't my life. But that's the point, right? It isn't my life. I'm losing my SELF. How I define myself. Rarely anymore do I even have time to do the things I like to do. People's perceptions of me are continually off-base. I understand with more depth these days what was meant by "I become all things to all men that I might save some".

So, I'm trying to work out this dichotomy. I don't want to completely ignore who I am or my dreams. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want that either. But how do I live like this? When God so clearly confirmed (on new year's eve, actually, ironically) my place, for a moment I despaired. Am attempting to not sink into depression. I desperately need community to breathe life into me. Am now tearing up at work. Crap. I also do know that I need to spend more depth of time with Christ. He needs to breathe more life into me if I'm going to be able to go on here. And I need to let him. I don't want to resent being here, or not like it, but getting sucked in is not an option either. I am well provided for, and am circumstantially just fine. Sometimes I think those trials would be easier to deal with than this inner struggle of the mind and heart.

Somewhere it seems that I've learnt this lesson before... over. and over. and over. The loss of self must be pretty important. Must I lose all of myself? Yes, all. Idiot. I truly do want what Christ wants. I just didn't think he'd have me in whitemiddleclassamerica. Silly me. Beware, when you tell Jesus, "I'll follow you wherever you need me," that it might mean some strange things. But I guess people here need to hear about the true Christ and his way as well. Maybe even more so than others.

But still... it eats at me. If you pray, or even if you don't, pray for me. I'm not doing so hot.