Rachel and Leah

So I was reading today in Genesis about the house of Israel. I LOVE Genesis, for whatever reason. Women are somehow mentioned here more than in many other books, and God is noted as interacting with them a lot. Maybe that's it? But anyway, the story of Rachel and Leah fascinates me. Here are some things I have noticed.

The first three children Leah bears are named in reference to her husband, or her identity as one who is unloved. But when the fourth came it says this: "And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Now I will praise the LORD.” Therefore she called his name Judah." It never notes that Jacob had a change of heart. Leah simply decided to begin to praise the Lord. God's overwhelming favor caused her to change her way of thinking even though the original issue never changed.* And guess what? Christ was born of the line of Judah! That brings me joy. And caution to name my kids well.

Not sure I'll ever get why Jacob "loved Rachel more than Leah." Is it to note the human quality in the story? I mean, Rachel was a pretty crazy, crafty woman. Even when Jacob became angry with her, his love remained. But God has mercy on Leah throughout her life. Leah never received the one thing she wanted most: Jacob's love. Rachel is called his wife twice where Leah is not. Rachel is the last (most precious) to go out to meet Esau. Leah should have rightfully had this place, as the first wife and as the eldest daughter. Yet it was denied her. Only in death did Leah receive her rightful place - as she was buried with Jacob, and Rachel was not. I don't know, maybe this mess is just another reason why polygamy is bbbaaaddd.

Side Note: I think I should become a shepardess because all those hot men who love God tend to fall for them at first sight throughout the Torah. I mean, Rachel inspired tears from Jacob.

Other Side Note: those early women were incredibly fertile. Strike fiftymillionfivehundredandthree against evolution.

*Although the issue was prevalent throughout her life, there are notes from that point that suggest that while Leah still desired to be loved by Jacob, she cried out to God about it and he heard her. An appropriate response when the world is not as it should be.

Lately

Lately I've been busy. But good. And experiencing joy.

This Week:

Someone put dog food in the candy jar in our front office. I'm waiting to hear gagging sounds.

I finished reading Velvet Elvis. Love the ending. The chapter on truth doesn't sit so wonderfully, though I know what he was getting at.

I went to hang out with Brooke to maybe go get her a new tattoo but we couldn't. But had fun anyway! Yeah, the ethical implications of my actions are too vague for me to even bother spending more than a few minutes on it. Whatever.

I rediscovered Psalm 116. And this verse - I totally want someone to push me over so I can use it - "You pushed me, that I might fall, but the Lord helped me."

I had fun with Taylor after church Wednesday! Seriously love that girl. And the bigkids played field hockey in the gym. None of us had played before so I'm sure it was like watching five year olds play bumblebee soccer, but we got better towards the end. And I am sore.

...which will totally be helped by the fact that I'm going to jump in an ice-cold pool tonight for the polar bear plunge with the same bigkids.

OH AND I TOTALLY HAD AN EPHIPHANY (see previous post)
I went hiking like a year ago and sat and wrote down everything I like to do and everything I'm good at and my gifts and all that crap, looking for something to be my "thing" and I came up with this vague answer:
I LOVE TO CREATE COMMUNITY.
How I got that is a long story, and what it actually means is still being discovered... as I hope it is my whole life long. However, I've realized that this whole past year I've been trying, mostly subconsciously, and sometimes with purpose, to create community in several different places around me. And I feel like I've been failing. Like trying to keep sheep together without a pen, trying to keep track of them all and help them find and join with each other, dangit, but they keep finding their own way off and then I'm spinning in circles trying to keep track of them all...
Anyway I needed to realize this was why I feel frustrated a lot, because now I am beginning to see the places where it has improved and it helps me not feel so frustrated. But it is a work in progress, as am I. I'm not very good at my "thing" yet. I need to work on figuring out ways to develop it. Hmmmm. Lots to ponder.

On the Mend

just reminded me of when I hear people my age say "on the rag" and I throw up in my mouth. How can you say that? Do you know what that actually used to mean? Are you a freak?

Ahem. I am doing a little better in general, so thank you to those of you who've been praying for me. Frankly I've been so busy this week I haven't had much time to think of it, thanks to the loads of fun I've been having at work lately!

It seems to me that many of the people I'm around lately have been having the same sort of feelings - fighting depression, or overwhelmed, or worn out, or struggling to survive, or just discouraged. Is it the winter? What is it that's bringing us so far out from the deep joy we find in Christ? Whatever I do know that he works through all these things and joy can be found in the midst of them. But it seems like no one's finding the joy, or am I just talking to the wrong people? When I get together with these friends, we don't talk about the joy of Christ. Or I just don't get together with these friends. Not sure what to do, but I truly think that time spent in the body, encouraging and uplifting each other, would truly help us all out a bit. So obviously while me and Jesus are doing better, this need for community is still there. I feel it a lot, perhaps because unity in the body is something I care so much about. I'm praying we all reach our limits soon and allow Christ to lift us up, and lift us up together. I'm not sure what else to do.*

Possibly my head (and the dramatic sense inside me) thinks I will have this moment of epiphany! (which was a week and a half ago btw in case you want to follow the calendar through lent this year - one of my goals I've yet to get started on is to be staying in and reading through this book - liturgical I know but it helps at times like these - thanks for the indroduction Mark Carter - but back to epiphany!) I feel like there has to be this moment where the sun breaks through and there's that long sigh and the breeze picks up and I know I'll be all right. Usually for me this moment comes when I'm at least 100 miles from where I'm having trouble. Maybe though... I don't need a moment of epiphany. Maybe I don't need to fly away. hmmm... a revolutionary thought for this self. I'm working through this part of my personality - sizing it up and making sure it melds to the image of Christ. And if that melding means wiping out and replacing, well, that's okay too.

I'm also learning how to deal with being a single person (what?!?!?!? crazy thought, I know). Turns out I'm not so good at it sometimes. The over-independence, the wanting-sex, the doing-ministry, all of it. It's hard. And it's okay, that it's difficult, cause, shoot, being married's probably harder. But I do know that I need to work on myself, because there's no one around pointing out my faults and telling me I'm not handling things well - probably because I usually do seem to handle things well. And because I like to do well at whatever I'm doing, I need to do this well too. But at the same time I need to be preparing to be a good wifey, in case God has that for me. I used to think the two paths were somewhat exclusive, but am currently holding out hope that I can do single well and be preparing at the same time. Without getting my hopes up too much. Which is crappy. Whatever I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm obviously confused about all this right now.

So if someone could tell me how to be smart without being attached to my job, attractive without being seductive, strong without appearing like I'll never need a man, and pretty much just how to see myself right now cause I have no idea how to see myself, that'd be great, thanks.

HAAAAPPPPYYYY FRIIIIIDDDAAAYYY

*Although, if you live here in town, we are planning a super-amazing fun night on the 14th (yes, I know its Valentines, and do I care? No. Everyone needs something to do anyway. Besides, it was the only free weekend night in the next two months). So stay tuned.

here, where I am, and where I am not...

I'm not sure how to explain where I'm at right now. For a long time I was content; a little happy, even. I'm in this place, physically and ministry-wise, that I know I'm supposed to be in. It's CLEAR. For now, until I'm guided elsewhere, I need to be loving and discipling all these high school girls. My bigkids. And I truly enjoy it. I love the depth, and the mini-society that is created in the group. I love helping, and watching them grow.

Lately it's been more difficult, though. Were there just more distractions this fall? I don't really think so. But the last month or so I've been having a hard time. I think the issue arrives when I recognize that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be here. I would be living differently, I hope. I would be traveling, and in a place where I have good community, and working in a job I liked more. I would live in a city, or I would live nowhere. I would have more time to be creative. We've talked about all this, yes? I feel like there are no more life-changes I can make here in Bakersfield. I live in as cheap an apartment as I can get away with where my kids' parents still let them hang out. I'm working hard at my job and am very thankful right now that I have a job. I'm trying to create community here as much as possible. I'm as me as I can get here. Yet there is still this sense that... this isn't me. The putting on hold of my dreams and desires and the way I'd like to be living is grinding out this loss of self. I want to throw my head back and howl in the grocery store that this isn't my life. But that's the point, right? It isn't my life. I'm losing my SELF. How I define myself. Rarely anymore do I even have time to do the things I like to do. People's perceptions of me are continually off-base. I understand with more depth these days what was meant by "I become all things to all men that I might save some".

So, I'm trying to work out this dichotomy. I don't want to completely ignore who I am or my dreams. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want that either. But how do I live like this? When God so clearly confirmed (on new year's eve, actually, ironically) my place, for a moment I despaired. Am attempting to not sink into depression. I desperately need community to breathe life into me. Am now tearing up at work. Crap. I also do know that I need to spend more depth of time with Christ. He needs to breathe more life into me if I'm going to be able to go on here. And I need to let him. I don't want to resent being here, or not like it, but getting sucked in is not an option either. I am well provided for, and am circumstantially just fine. Sometimes I think those trials would be easier to deal with than this inner struggle of the mind and heart.

Somewhere it seems that I've learnt this lesson before... over. and over. and over. The loss of self must be pretty important. Must I lose all of myself? Yes, all. Idiot. I truly do want what Christ wants. I just didn't think he'd have me in whitemiddleclassamerica. Silly me. Beware, when you tell Jesus, "I'll follow you wherever you need me," that it might mean some strange things. But I guess people here need to hear about the true Christ and his way as well. Maybe even more so than others.

But still... it eats at me. If you pray, or even if you don't, pray for me. I'm not doing so hot.

Whew. What a month. In a nutshell, this is what December contained for me:


occupational hazard (or party?) planned
35 kid's gifts for above wrapped
a three-day trip to Redding
4 holiday parties in one week
getting tanned
Brother's wedding
Christmas with the family
hours many of overtime to close out the year
not being alone, ever, except while sleeping


January started a little bit better as I took time off from the world at large by hiking alone on New Year's Day (except that I chose the beach for it's beauty and was rewarded with a "happy new year!" and a big grin from each of the fifty people I passed that day. shudder). I also got a ton of crap done that I'd been putting off, and threw Italian Food Nite where I packed in all the fun cooking and baking I hadn't been doing into one day.


As for the part about where December depressed me, or put me in a funk, in the midst of all the happy activity, that I haven't quite figured out or pushed through completely? More on that later. When I figure it all out. I will say that a) Christ again confirmed that I am to be here, now, ugh, and b) I decided to designate Tuesday nights as alone time because my, oh my, how grouchy and awful I can get if I am not alone ever.


So for anyone who feels neglected, I will call/see you soon to reinstate our friendship.


About a million pictures came from the above activities, and my favorites follow:

OH WAIT. I FORGOT I BROKE THE SCREEN ON MY LAPTOP WHEN I KNOCKED IT OFF MY BED.