Careful there.

Parting words from the boss:

"Don't lose any fingers. Don't blow them off on any fireworks or anything, yeah."

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY.

my boss drives me crazy, and not in a good way.

Seeing a fellow employee berated for an incredibly insignificant detail - and having their motives twisted and blown way out of proportion irks me to no end.

It's a whole what not to say psychology lesson. Imposing skewed personal beliefs "you did this because..." instead of professionally asking the employee why they did such a stupid (insignificant, actually exactly what I would have done) thing. Purposefully getting more belittling when another boss wanders by.

I hate having to then, a half hour later, confirm details about said business situation that are in fact true but in no way justify what has just taken place. And watch this boss walk off cocky as hell, muttering to himself.

tomorrow is payday, tomorrow is payday, tomorrow is payday. I don't know if it's worth it.

Boss-Man

It's hard to feel guilty about updating my blog while at work when I walk in to the Boss's office to drop something off on his desk, thinking I'm interrupting a casual meeting between the big three, and turn to see a soccer field on the whiteboard.

still.at.work.

everyone else left over an hour ago. hate on this computer. hate. need stress release. brother-wedding in socal leaving tomorrow could be either big stress release or cause of spontaneous combustion. pray it is the first.

i do have to tan (or freckle, if we're going for accuracy) at two so i will be gone by then even if it means no one gets paid next wednesday. and am hungry. tummy grwols in sympathetic frustration with my brain. hate computer. hate.

...

"Yeah, man, it was a great holiday weekend; I didn't have to shoot anybody, I didn't have to trample anybody..."

Thanks Rick. That's exactly what I wanted to her.

THIS

has been staring at me through my floor-ceiling office window for several weeks now. We think it was brought here by the stray dog we fed for a while, and someone thought it would freak me out. I actually was freaked out that they were video-monitering my work progress until I realized no one cared. Or at least is dedicated enough to stuff a tiny camera into a nasty dirty stuffed animal.

shame on

Rick's latest (serious) suggestion on how to get our overdue, big-name, lots-of-money-owing customer to pay:

Get one of those giant banner-signs that say "SHAME ON ____________" and have the office staff all take turns holding it out on the corner of the big highway. Chanting and yelling would be included. He even knows a place that will make a banner in less than 24 hours.

thought #1: this is not in my job description

thought #2: I'm going to enjoy this immensly.

I also suggested (not so seriously) that we just walk in their office and use that sign language for "shame on you" that worked so totally well in first grade. Maybe we'd even get a big "oooooooo" from their office staff.

Pam's got nothing on me. Oh, well, except maybe for the Jim thing. Yeah, that may be the only thing outweighing the awesomeness of this office.

Rah-Rah, Sar-RAH.

Rick is currently walking around the office chanting, "Sar-RAH, Sar-RAH, Sar-RAH, Sar-RAH," as loudly as possible. Has been all day, actually. It's sad that my brain didn't even take the time to register the name or why he would be chanting it until the end of the day. I think at first I thought he was trying to be encouraging to our new intern but had her name wrong. But it looks like there's at least one solid Palin supporter in this office.

Tidbits

Within two hours:
Rick walks in yelling “we are the champions” at the top of his lungs
Ralph walks around singing the “bad boys” cops theme song in his Spanish accent.


Eavesdropping - did he just say “slicker than snot”?


The higher-ups, they call themselves commander, chief and captain. And they use these terms regularly.

a GREAT day

Mornin’, Pete.

Mornin’, beautiful girl. How you doing today?

Today? I’m just fine, Pete, thanks for asking. You?

Oh, great, great. Really great, actually. MmmHmmm. Yeah, I’d tell you but I wouldn’t want to embarrass you. HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I wish all my workdays didn't start out with something similar, but, um, they do.

Typical Office Conversation

Me:

Sheri, here’s some checks for you to pull.

Sheri:

Checks, checks, checky-poos.

Sheri:

HEY!!! Glasses today!

Me:

Yep.

Sheri:

We match! Hey Steve, we’re both wearing glasses! AND black shirts! It’s a matchy-day! Too bad you’re not wearing black.

Steve:

I’m wearing black underwear, does that count?

Work.

Has anyone else fallen asleep sitting on the toilet at work? No? Ok, just me then. It's never actually happened (for more than a couple minutes), but if I close my eyes for a few seconds... I mean, I even try not to go to the bathroom for the first couple of hours because that's when I'm still sleepy...

ALSO, whoever said that extreme air conditioning makes for alert, awake employees has never sat in my office. There's a reason people fall asleep before they freeze to death.

Back at the Ranch

Ralph walked into my office the other day (Note: Ralph walks the way I imagine Fidel Castro walks) and this conversation ensued:


Do ju know what we’re doing?

How we’re doing?

No, WHAT we’re doing.

What are we doing, Ralph?

We’re fixing a pump that was at Michael Jackson’s Ranch. I’m gonna take a picture of it and sell it on ebay!!!

This was said with so much glee that all I could do was smile and be joyful with the man.

Silverware

Setting: Calm, quiet office, with a well-known candy jar full of Worther's Originals.
Mood: Girl in skirt, peacefully typing and using her brain to a good majority of it's potential.
Action: Machinist in oil-spatter enters at doorway, reaches for two pieces of candy, and pauses on his way out to offer this report:

"I've got matching silverware for the plate in my head."

IMMENSE ENJOYMENT ENSUES FOR GIRL IN SKIRT.

Blurts

Lately I've been noticing a tendency on my part to blurt out unnecessary things at work. WHY do I suddenly have the urge to yell, to talk smack back to people for fun, or just to throw out strange comments in general? There is no pent-up frustration here. No sarcasm, no underlying motives. To the account manager walking past my open office door on his cell phone saying, "I am at work right now, believe it or not," I want to shout, "DON'T BELIEVE IT! DON'T DO IT!" like a maniac or an annoying little kid. If anyone can tell me what's wrong with me, please don't. Because I secretly kind of like it as long as it doesn't get me evicted from my office.

Conversations with Rick

I have many conversations with my office folk. And let me tell you, when I say it's like the Office, the show, IT IS LIKE THE OFFICE. I keep a running log of great conversations and will periodically share them. Perhaps one day I'll get some audio to go along with it. Names have been changed to protect the identity of my coworkers (or at least that's what you think).

Rick:
Think I’ll go with Ralph to pick up my car. May be gone a while, see how much he wants to look around.
Me:
Where at?
Rick:
Out near Lamont.
Me:
It’s a different world out there.
Rick:
Yeah, and you never know, about the people you go out with… with those foreign-born drivers you just never know. I went out driving with a guy from India once and he always wanted to drive on the wrong side of the road. We’ll see how Ralph does. You just never know… those foreign born drivers…(drifting down the hall)
(Ralph has been in and out of the US for over twenty years)

Me:
Rick, can you sign this check real quick? It’s a donation for the American Cancer Society.
Rick:
mmmhmm mmm mmmmmm I’M A SURVIVOR!!! (screaming).


The other day Rick asked me (in all sincerity) to find out who is using the little stapler and take it away from them.