Careful there.

Parting words from the boss:

"Don't lose any fingers. Don't blow them off on any fireworks or anything, yeah."

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY.

WOE to you

What movie is that from again? We used to say it all the time. Somebody help.

For some reason the fact that half the girls that were going backpacking with me cancelled at the last minute makes me sad. Sad like I'm in jr high and my mom won't let me go to the party and my life is over sad. Perhaps it could be that so many other changes are happening and this is just the most imminent? It's easiest to focus on. We leave tomorrow.

Other changes being that I just figured out I'm going to camp as a counselor for a week in just a couple weeks, and that my roommate decided today that she is moving out of town, like, within a month. And people are dropping like flies at my company - voluntarily. And, you know, the sky is falling. But I made an awesome lemon tomato basil gnocchi sauce yesterday.

I need to sleep.

Friday Fun Time

Often I post of my weekend travels, which aid in the keeping of my sanity. However, most of you that have never really lived here in Bakersfield probably wonder but what does she do for fun in Bakersfield? Friday night, do they play in the oilfields? Pick oranges by moonlight? Chicken fight with tractors? So I hereby introduce Friday Fun Time (previously known as the hour my mom's 4th graders look forward to all week) in order to put all your minds at ease. And to reassure my own mind that yes, I do have fun, at least once a week. Although when you hear about the fun, you might still wonder... wouldn't tipping cows be more fun? NO WAY. The first Friday Fun Time is:

Sinaloa's & Central Park

Sinaloa's is a mexican restaurant that's been around for over 50 years here in Bakersfield, which is rare. We walk in early - the family is getting old - and enjoy a meal of quite delicious mexican food, surprisingly fresh. The old, old house in which we are seated is simple and pretty cool - the kind of place I'd like to shop or browse through books in - but it has that musty smell that just does not go well with food. I'm not sure I like the combination. Still the building is pretty cool, and it made for a new adventure in town. And they served bread and salsa, which is totally Basque but it's Bakersfield so it made sense. The salsa was GOOD.

Stuffed, we ventured out for a walk in the small but lovely Central Park, recently redone and the new place to be. It even has wireless! They pretty much turned a section of the canal (that runs underground through most of town) into a stream through the downtown park next to the art museum. There's even a covered bridge. But the absolute best part of the night was when I heard the "dingdingding dingdingding" and spotted this:

I had just said to the folks and Jill, "oh man, I was really hoping we'd see the LaRosa Man* here. I had it all planned out in my mind, and now he's not here." He must have heard me. We bought coconut creme bars - the yummiest popsicle I have ever had. Almost like gelato on a stick.

We even checked the wrapper to be sure LaRosa Bars are made here, and they are - right on Niles Street. It was an authentically Bakersfield evening.

And then we went home and watched Definace.

*For some reason it is always the LaRosa Man, instead of a LaRosa Man. It just is.

Under the Influence

I just watched Revolutionary Road. If ever there was a time to Do As Beth Does, THIS IS NOT IT. Don't watch it. It depressed me for a couple days. Basically this is the plot - we are a young, vibrant couple and our life will not look like others' do but then we get stuck in suburbia and it gets worse and then we get entrenched even more in suburbia even though we hate it and then we die. Seriously suffocating. At the end this is what went through my mind: I just bought a freakin' pastry blender. What the crap is happening to me? What was I thinking? But for reals, folks. My life will not look like that.

on the other hand...

Dear Jesus,

It would be really crazy awesome if you could make me (well, hopefully he's already made) a man like Daniel Craig's character in Defiance. Mmmm-hmmm. That loves you a whole lot. Because Daniel Craig as Tuvia Bielski + Christ follower = the man I want to marry. Like you didn't know that already. But I'm just sayin'.

On Majesty

My subtitle speaks for itself, but the thought behind it is it's own story. I've become content here, in this place God has me - not a stagnant content, and not incredibly happy, but joyful. It's taken some time, but it's been worth it.

Even in the contentedness, it felt for a while like something was missing- I just couldn't put my finger on it. Then someone said the word "majesty" and I pretty much jumped out of my chair. I've been missing the majesty. So I've tried to keep conscious of the majesty that is God whom we worship, and the way his majesty is displayed through his creation. It helps, try it. Let's not miss the majesty.

We've been reading Tozer's Knowledge of the Holy, my friends and I, and it is very good at keeping the majesty of God front and center. Consider the reason, to begin with, that we seek the majesty:

The yearning to know What cannot be known,
to comprehend the Incomprehensible,
to touch and taste the Unapproachable,
arises from the image of God in the nature of man.

Deep calleth unto deep, and though polluted and landlocked by the mighty disaster theologians call the Fall, the soul senses its origin and longs to return to its Source.

At the GYM

yesterday they were playing pump it up music, as usual, and I being the anti-trend person / idiot who forgot my ipod was able to enjoy some greats. Namely R.E.S.P.E.C.T., to which I literally could not not move to a little bit. That song just calls for some booty-movin'. And I looked around, and NO ONE else seemed the least bit affected. Seriously, fellow gym goers, how are we ever going to act out my musical fantasies if no one is even listening? Such as the one in which everyone jumps off their machine at the exact same time (on the downbeat of the R on the second chorus, to be exact) and does a little dance? That song just longs for group participation.

Ever since seeing the T-Mobile commercial I have wanted to see such things. And participate. Lead them, even. If I had had a partner in crime yesterday we just might have started a literal movement.

This is all I have to say today

And Vikki Cook and Charitie Lees Bancroft say it so much better than I ever could

Before the throne of God above,

I have a strong, a perfect plea,

A great High Priest whose name is Love,

Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands,

No tongue can bid me thence depart,

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

 

When Satan tempts me to despair,

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there,

Who made an end of all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,

My sinful soul is counted free.

For God the Just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me,

To look on Him and pardon me.

 

Behold Him there the Risen Lamb,

My perfect spotless righteousness,

The great unchangeable I Am,

The King of glory and of grace,

One with Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood,

My life is hid with Christ on high,

With Christ my Savior and my God,

With Christ my Savior and my God.

 

One with Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood,

My life is hid with Christ on high

With Christ my Savior and my God,

With Christ my Savior and my God.

THERE IS NO... ARIZONA...

Oh wait actually there is. That's a country song if you missed the reference. On that note if anyone in my life feels like they're missing the reference it is pretty much always a country song that you don't know. Just assume, go ahead. Oh and this will be long so, um, thanks for reading?

Ok, so I went to Arizona for a week with my BigKids the week before Easter. It was fantastic, for me, and it was pretty darn good as a youth group missions trip as well. It was awesome to be able to focus on ONE thing, instead of three or four as I usually do, for a week. I mean, we did a lot, and I was going going going and making sure the girls were doing okay, but they were all I had to focus on and it was a nice break. And it combined the two things I love most - missions and the Church.

I'm not sure how to describe this trip. We were a large group of people for the amount of Apaches around the ministry we worked with, and even larger once word got out that all the white people were there and all the Apaches disappeared. Sad day. We did get to build relationships with quite a few of them, though. What poverty they live in on the reservation - 65% unemployment, 70% living below the poverty level, alcohol, drugs, crap family lives, no transportation off the reservation, you name it- it's bad. I truly enjoyed getting to know the few Apaches that I did in that short amount of time. We were able to work with a family of new believers in restoring their walls (filling holes, painting over nasty graffitti inside) and in prayer marathons, all so they could get their kids back and be growing in the faith. This couple literally showed up at the door of the missionaries' place and said, "we want to come to Jesus. we've tried and tried to change on our own (from cocaine, alcohol, etc.) and we can't do it. We need Jesus. Will you pray with us?" Wow. It was pretty rad to participate in the work the Lord is working in their lives. And updates continue to let us know how well they're doing. Praise Jesus for changing lives!

Because there were a lot of us, and 25 high school students on about three acres + free time = trouble, we did a lot of construction/cleanup/painting/literal trailblazing. We worked HARD. Exhaused at the end of the day. I was super-proud of the students. For me, it felt so good to work that hard, and see results. I love love loved being able to serve the missionaries there so that we could enable them to be doing the work they were there to do.

I braided many, many heads of hair into french braids. I had good one-to-one conversations with several of the young women who were struggling with something, and good times of prayer with them as well. I was excited to see how the students were able to get over themselves enough to let God work through them in all the different things we were doing. Church was an experience. An elderly Apache woman who was short with a flat, wrinkled face and long, thick black-grey hair led worship, song-to-song without a break for about half an hour. It sounded like a cross between the early "worship music" and something you'd hear an Apache singing at a powow. It was awesome. Sometime in the middle of some service, I almost laughed out loud. I love following Christ. How else would I end up in the middle the desert at a pennecostal service led by Apaches?

We climbed the hill behind the church and watched the sunrise over the mesa-moutains every morning, because the first morning, it was red. The whole sky. And then orange, and then pink. And we went back to bed (had gotten up to use the bathroom which was outside). Idiots. So every day after that we got up to wait for it to be the same color again. And it never was, but it was beautiful every morning. And it was refreshing to get up that early, praise God, think of the possiblity of the day to come, and sit on a log in the middle of an Apache reservation in Arizona and watch the sun rise.

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

One of the greatest things I love about traveling, or being on vacation, is being able to relax and do the things I never get time to do anymore, like read and watch movies and shows.

I read, this weekend, The Life of Pi, and The Beautiful and Damned, and The Second Assistant. The first was entertaining with a reflective end, the third was frivolous and fun, and the second was DEPRESSING for pretty much the last half. I know, I know, what else do I expect from reading a long Fitzgerald novel? It was a really good book, but the last half just made me cringe because they kept going, and going, and didn't know how to stop. It was awful.

On the plane back (from first-class, cheers to love causing a man with a first-class ticket wanting to sit in steerage with his girlfriend and thus switch me seats) I watched Last Chance Harvey. It made me smile. A lot. It made me want to cry, but I didn't of course. And you know how you have those conversations, usually while waiting in line for something or on a long car ride, about who would play you in the movie of your life? Mine would definitely be Emma Thompson. Hands down. Not just from this movie - I've been a fan since she did Sense and Sensibility. In movies she plays the understated character, supporting in the beginning but often in the end the strongest character. In real life she is quite normal and funny, if you believe imbd at all, and is the only person ever to have won an oscar both for acting and for writing. Emma Thompson is my new fav, yo.

Oh and Ash and I watched the newlyweds on tv which is incredibly funny, the asian couple is my favorite. Definitely my main show this summer.

That movie everyone is talking about...

With the attractive young cast flying around in space...

I liked it a lot...

Am I the only one who automatically thought, when the drill touched down into the SF Bay, "well yeah they would drill there. It's the most logical starting point as the San Andreas Faultline goes straight through the bay and drilling between two tectonic plates would make breaking through the earth's crust a lot easier..."

Yup I do belong in the theatre watching this movie. It's quite fitting for my level of nerd.

Spice-y

For some time now I've cut way back on the caffenated soda (FYI, Caffeine-free Diet Coke is fine, but Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi is n-n-n-nastay). We're talking I have only between two and four cans per day. That's less than 44oz usually, which I used to drink before nine am. Now I don't start until ten. It's a nice mid-morning treat.

That isn't the point. Point is, lately I've been seriously craving things like a banana, an apple, spinach, an orange, broccoli, you name the vegetable and I've probably had a craving for it in the last few weeks. I've thought this really strange since I never crave these things. But then I got to thinking, hmmm, no caffeine? Since I have not much caffeine in my system, am I able to pay better attention to what nutrients my body needs? I do think so. My body, without the inhibition of caffeine, now tells me what it wants. So every once in a while, I look down and my stomach and say, "Tell me what you want, what you really really want," and then my stomach says, "I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want," "I want a-, I want a-" BANANA.

Sidenote - they should really figure out how to post sidenotes up the sides of posts
Actual Sidenote - they used to call me sporty spice. That is gross.

coming out of the closet

So on Wednesday night Jodi and I had to have a conversation before youth group began, so we were like WHERE can we even meet where there's no students? Cause they are EVERYWHERE. Which is good. So we went into one of the supply closets off the game room, where there was barely enough room for the two of us to sit on the ground. We were talking for a while, can kinda hear the kids outside, and a few of the j/h boys were messing around and one of them hung on the door handle and opened it and jumped. You should have seen his face - he seriously almost peed his pants. So that was funny, we laughed and then talk talk talk.

And THEN I guess there was this mom wandering around who had brought a new j/h student and a new high school student and wanted to talk to a leader real quick to make sure they'd be alright. And Jenn (a j/h leader who was in the game room when we shocked the kid earlier) couldn't find any other leaders and so she was like, well..., um, you see..., ah, I think theeeyyrree in here. And she opens the door and we tumble out of the closet and are like, hey, new mom, sure we'll take care of your kid, no funny business here.

And we shook her hand and went back into the closet and shut the door cause we weren't finished. sO maybe you had to be there but it was pretty funny. And it was totally the perfect place for private convos - I am so using it from now on. The end.

Shoulda

Haven't got long, but a quick story - yesterday I was walking downtown through the 22nd/Myrtle area and enjoying the peace and pretty houses when a loose dog (as in got out of it's yard, not as in a loose woman) started walking with me. Second time a dog has done that in that area. I noticed it looked recently groomed and had tags and so tried to get it to come over to me. No such luck, but it kept following me for several blocks. I tried again every once in a while, and for a second had a vision of capturing the dog, knocking on it's owner's door and being greeted by a handsome single young professional man living downtown, preferably already cooking dinner. OH WAIT, this is Bakersfield -snap back to reality and continue on my walk. A couple minutes later, as the dog had gotten behind exploring a yard about a block behind me, I was turning my head to call it again when a well-dressed young man pulls up in a white suv, says "there you are, Haley," stares curiously in my direction for a second, scoops up the dog and pulls away. I kid you not. I seriously SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER to catch that dog. Story of my life.

Tornado

So on Thursday night we had a birthday bash for Holly. If you ever watch Gilmore Girls, and where they plan to do "21" things all night for Rory's 21st birthday, we did something similar (minus the 21 shots). Holly turned 23 on April 23rd! Which is exciting but not the point of this endeavor. One of the items on my list that we didn't get around to was to watch the first video that comes up when you type in "23" on YouTube. So I did it the next morning and it came up with a TORNADO video. A giant one that split into three sections at one point. That's right, I watched all five minutes and 26 seconds of it. And decided to revise my policy of never living in the Midwest. I could in fact live in the Midwest if I was a tornado chaser and got paid for it. Maybe I'd only live there during tornado season. Then I started watching more and more tornado videos. Never before have I watched more than a couple things on YouTube at a time. I think I'm addicted.

Ahem. Back to Holly's Birthday. Here is the list I wrote -the ones in bold are the ones we completed. The rest will have to wait til someone else turns 23.

23 “23” things to do for Holly’s 23rd Birthday on April 23rd.
1. 23 wishes with 23 pennies into a Derrel’s Mini Storage Fountain
2. Buy 23 things at Goodwill/Dollar tree
3. Get 23 ice cream samples
4. Get 23 guys’ numbers
5. Listen to 23 songs
6. All night ask people for 23 things (ice cubes, lbs of food, napkins, etc)
7. Give 23 hearts to 23 different people
8. Eat 23 bites of food
9. Make up a sentence with 23 words
10. Play the new card game 23
11. Call 23 people
12. Watch the first video on YouTube that comes up when you type “23”
13. Scream “23” at the 23rd hour (that would be 11PM)
14. Cruise down 23rd street
15. Blow out 23 candles
16. Pick 23 flowers
17. Put hair into 23 braids
18. Wear 23 things. Out.
19. Illegally tag “23” somewhere – even if it’s in sidewalk chalk.
20. Make a mosaic out of 23 magazine pictures
21. Convince someone you have 23 fingers and toes
22. Go to the “self-help” section and choose the 23rd book from the left and read the 23rd page
23. Enjoy being 23.

I think doing them all would have been more of an all-day Saturday type of outing, as opposed to an all-night Thursday outing. But we went the extra mile in the things we did do, such as tagging "23" everywhere we went in sidewalk chalk. And getting a balloon and tying it to Holly as part of the dollar tree spree. And reading several page 23's. And we ended up playing cards with five older drunk latino men, which in my mind was way more entertaining than getting 23 guys' numbers would have been. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOLLY.

Back.

WOW it's been a long time since I've posted. The break was much needed, and truthfully these last two months have been so busy I don't know what I would have done if I had thrown in tv/movies/internet. But on to other things. There is so much to write. I will try to break it up into coherent pieces but I kind of feel like the kid just back from summer camp telling his mom, this happened and this happened, and then we were- oh and THIS happened, and we went here, and we learned about bugs, and... actually maybe it would be easier to write about everything in this way.

For now, we will focus on what WILL BE- Christ will return and we who follow him will be glorified. And we get a new earth! Yay for no more valley pollution! (among other things)

Until That Day, here are my frivolous summer plans that WILL (hopefully) be:

a/ style: going for a late-70's by the lake / on the beach look. It's a bit by default as I just don't want to pay to cut or color my hair, so it's long and blonde and brassy again, but also by my choice of throw-back Aloha Tiare for this summer's perfume. This gives me a chance to follow a bit of the current fashion but not go full-fledged eighties.

b/ music: Kenny Chesney's When the Sun Goes Down album will always be the ultimate in summer tunes to me. Along with Uncle Kracker's Drift Away. Various other singles. Okay, maybe this part of the post is premature and I should make a playlist first.

c/ plans: Several long, lazy, full Neighborhood Dinners. A picnic by the lake/river with magazines, books, good music and lemonade. Studying about God's face. A trip to Malibu Getty & Red Rock Canyon for hiking. Venice Beach- just can’t get enough of that place. Lots of stretching- strange, but seriously. Someone take me Floating…. I’ve never been…. An herb garden outside my door maintained. Stargazing when there’s no moonlight, in a really dark place. A free-form worship night. Baking bread from scratch. Climb Mount Whitney. Lots of good times with my BigKids. San Francisco – in all its beautifulness. Poker night done right.
If I manage to do all of these things, it will be one very full summer.

Feel free to invite yourself along. But only if I already know you.

fyi

i gave up frivolous internet for lent. sorry friends. updates to be found after easter! but I am going to San Carlos, AZ the ten days before that for the BigKids' mission trip/service project. Excitement abounds.

Haunt

You know when you have one of those dreams, that just feels so real, that hangs around you the rest of the day? It's like an aura, and my eyes take on that deep, haunted, far-away look, and my chest sinks in when I breathe, and I can close my eyes and feel that person I dreamt about. I am enveloped. Wanted.

This isn't helping.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet,

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats

PINK & PURPLE

If I'm going to be girly I might as well go all the way, right?

note - note - note - note - note

CALVIN KLEIN loves my body. So I loved him back from my bank account. In honor of my upcoming bonus.* Two gorgeous dresses - one for summer work and the other perfect for weddings.

Sean Connery wears a ONESIE in Goldfinger as a swimsuit coverup. I watched it last night. And rewound it twice just to be sure. I don't believe a man could be more attractive in a onesie than Sean Connery: the younger years.

This summer I am going to CLIMB MT WHITNEY. I've already mailed my application for the lottery (they only let a set number of people in per day so you have to apply for dates).

Last night in the baby store (cousin's shower) a kid that couldn't have been more than eighteen months gave me the, "HEY LADY, WHAT'S UP." I knew I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

A coworker shared the comments from Rick written on her daily accounting reports last night. Apparantly we've gone from "ok" or "nice job" to HEY YA / RA RAH.

*What? They could be gone by the time I actually get the money.

REST

Montgomery Gentry...Yeah, what I really need -Is an open road -And a whole lot of speed

It was good for my soul.

Hey there Girlfriend.*

So like two weeks ago we had this amazing girls' night where we went to see the Phantom of the Opera at the Pantages in Hollywood. It was a gorgeous evening - perfect temperature in the seventies, lovely sunset, fun dresses, and best of all we saw the Phantom! The Music of the Night is my favorite song and my favorite scene - the boat floating through the fog and then the Phantom sings to Christine as she wavers between Raoul (yeck) and letting herself fall under the Phantom's spell. It was beautiful.

...where should we eat?yummy italian!
please, no catcalls.

dutifully reading the playbill. while in line for the ladies'.

*to be read with sass. I don't really talk like that.

my boss drives me crazy, and not in a good way.

Seeing a fellow employee berated for an incredibly insignificant detail - and having their motives twisted and blown way out of proportion irks me to no end.

It's a whole what not to say psychology lesson. Imposing skewed personal beliefs "you did this because..." instead of professionally asking the employee why they did such a stupid (insignificant, actually exactly what I would have done) thing. Purposefully getting more belittling when another boss wanders by.

I hate having to then, a half hour later, confirm details about said business situation that are in fact true but in no way justify what has just taken place. And watch this boss walk off cocky as hell, muttering to himself.

tomorrow is payday, tomorrow is payday, tomorrow is payday. I don't know if it's worth it.

Mornings

Not my strong point.
Monday I woke up late. Really late. No time for soda. This is my thought process:

7:30am Crap crap crap late for work

7:31am Nope no time to get a soda

7:32am* Have a two litre in my car

7:35am Maybe today I'll quit drinking it.

8:00am Yes, today will be the day

9:23am Maybe I should get some work done...can't concentrate...

9:45am two litre in my car

9:46am* nope, today is a good day to quit. save money. lose weight easier. healthier.

10:30am really can't concentrate...what were those reasons again?

10:49am come on, lunch date with ao

10:59am today is still a good day to quit. it's half over.

11:30am WHAT THE CRAP WAS I THINKING.
TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY TO QUIT DRINKING CAFFEINE.

12:03pm bowl ao over to grab the soda cup, but of course i'm at sequoia where their sodas are so foamy it only fills 2/3 of the cup and takes an hour to un-fizz so i have to get up like three times to refill it.


*And yes, it does take about a minute per thought, when I don't have caffeine.

Boss-Man

It's hard to feel guilty about updating my blog while at work when I walk in to the Boss's office to drop something off on his desk, thinking I'm interrupting a casual meeting between the big three, and turn to see a soccer field on the whiteboard.

It's like this...

I have become boring. That is all.

Not boring to me, but, for now, boring to the rest of the world. I am cooking, and reading Jesus books, and it is good. But I will be hibernating for a while.

But there is this: my sister and I now have a thing about pythons that eat too-large animals. We even did a shadow-puppet play about one blowing up. She posted this latest link on facebook for me and I thought I'd share it with you. Don't look if picutres make you queasy.

Rachel and Leah

So I was reading today in Genesis about the house of Israel. I LOVE Genesis, for whatever reason. Women are somehow mentioned here more than in many other books, and God is noted as interacting with them a lot. Maybe that's it? But anyway, the story of Rachel and Leah fascinates me. Here are some things I have noticed.

The first three children Leah bears are named in reference to her husband, or her identity as one who is unloved. But when the fourth came it says this: "And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, “Now I will praise the LORD.” Therefore she called his name Judah." It never notes that Jacob had a change of heart. Leah simply decided to begin to praise the Lord. God's overwhelming favor caused her to change her way of thinking even though the original issue never changed.* And guess what? Christ was born of the line of Judah! That brings me joy. And caution to name my kids well.

Not sure I'll ever get why Jacob "loved Rachel more than Leah." Is it to note the human quality in the story? I mean, Rachel was a pretty crazy, crafty woman. Even when Jacob became angry with her, his love remained. But God has mercy on Leah throughout her life. Leah never received the one thing she wanted most: Jacob's love. Rachel is called his wife twice where Leah is not. Rachel is the last (most precious) to go out to meet Esau. Leah should have rightfully had this place, as the first wife and as the eldest daughter. Yet it was denied her. Only in death did Leah receive her rightful place - as she was buried with Jacob, and Rachel was not. I don't know, maybe this mess is just another reason why polygamy is bbbaaaddd.

Side Note: I think I should become a shepardess because all those hot men who love God tend to fall for them at first sight throughout the Torah. I mean, Rachel inspired tears from Jacob.

Other Side Note: those early women were incredibly fertile. Strike fiftymillionfivehundredandthree against evolution.

*Although the issue was prevalent throughout her life, there are notes from that point that suggest that while Leah still desired to be loved by Jacob, she cried out to God about it and he heard her. An appropriate response when the world is not as it should be.

Lately

Lately I've been busy. But good. And experiencing joy.

This Week:

Someone put dog food in the candy jar in our front office. I'm waiting to hear gagging sounds.

I finished reading Velvet Elvis. Love the ending. The chapter on truth doesn't sit so wonderfully, though I know what he was getting at.

I went to hang out with Brooke to maybe go get her a new tattoo but we couldn't. But had fun anyway! Yeah, the ethical implications of my actions are too vague for me to even bother spending more than a few minutes on it. Whatever.

I rediscovered Psalm 116. And this verse - I totally want someone to push me over so I can use it - "You pushed me, that I might fall, but the Lord helped me."

I had fun with Taylor after church Wednesday! Seriously love that girl. And the bigkids played field hockey in the gym. None of us had played before so I'm sure it was like watching five year olds play bumblebee soccer, but we got better towards the end. And I am sore.

...which will totally be helped by the fact that I'm going to jump in an ice-cold pool tonight for the polar bear plunge with the same bigkids.

OH AND I TOTALLY HAD AN EPHIPHANY (see previous post)
I went hiking like a year ago and sat and wrote down everything I like to do and everything I'm good at and my gifts and all that crap, looking for something to be my "thing" and I came up with this vague answer:
I LOVE TO CREATE COMMUNITY.
How I got that is a long story, and what it actually means is still being discovered... as I hope it is my whole life long. However, I've realized that this whole past year I've been trying, mostly subconsciously, and sometimes with purpose, to create community in several different places around me. And I feel like I've been failing. Like trying to keep sheep together without a pen, trying to keep track of them all and help them find and join with each other, dangit, but they keep finding their own way off and then I'm spinning in circles trying to keep track of them all...
Anyway I needed to realize this was why I feel frustrated a lot, because now I am beginning to see the places where it has improved and it helps me not feel so frustrated. But it is a work in progress, as am I. I'm not very good at my "thing" yet. I need to work on figuring out ways to develop it. Hmmmm. Lots to ponder.

On the Mend

just reminded me of when I hear people my age say "on the rag" and I throw up in my mouth. How can you say that? Do you know what that actually used to mean? Are you a freak?

Ahem. I am doing a little better in general, so thank you to those of you who've been praying for me. Frankly I've been so busy this week I haven't had much time to think of it, thanks to the loads of fun I've been having at work lately!

It seems to me that many of the people I'm around lately have been having the same sort of feelings - fighting depression, or overwhelmed, or worn out, or struggling to survive, or just discouraged. Is it the winter? What is it that's bringing us so far out from the deep joy we find in Christ? Whatever I do know that he works through all these things and joy can be found in the midst of them. But it seems like no one's finding the joy, or am I just talking to the wrong people? When I get together with these friends, we don't talk about the joy of Christ. Or I just don't get together with these friends. Not sure what to do, but I truly think that time spent in the body, encouraging and uplifting each other, would truly help us all out a bit. So obviously while me and Jesus are doing better, this need for community is still there. I feel it a lot, perhaps because unity in the body is something I care so much about. I'm praying we all reach our limits soon and allow Christ to lift us up, and lift us up together. I'm not sure what else to do.*

Possibly my head (and the dramatic sense inside me) thinks I will have this moment of epiphany! (which was a week and a half ago btw in case you want to follow the calendar through lent this year - one of my goals I've yet to get started on is to be staying in and reading through this book - liturgical I know but it helps at times like these - thanks for the indroduction Mark Carter - but back to epiphany!) I feel like there has to be this moment where the sun breaks through and there's that long sigh and the breeze picks up and I know I'll be all right. Usually for me this moment comes when I'm at least 100 miles from where I'm having trouble. Maybe though... I don't need a moment of epiphany. Maybe I don't need to fly away. hmmm... a revolutionary thought for this self. I'm working through this part of my personality - sizing it up and making sure it melds to the image of Christ. And if that melding means wiping out and replacing, well, that's okay too.

I'm also learning how to deal with being a single person (what?!?!?!? crazy thought, I know). Turns out I'm not so good at it sometimes. The over-independence, the wanting-sex, the doing-ministry, all of it. It's hard. And it's okay, that it's difficult, cause, shoot, being married's probably harder. But I do know that I need to work on myself, because there's no one around pointing out my faults and telling me I'm not handling things well - probably because I usually do seem to handle things well. And because I like to do well at whatever I'm doing, I need to do this well too. But at the same time I need to be preparing to be a good wifey, in case God has that for me. I used to think the two paths were somewhat exclusive, but am currently holding out hope that I can do single well and be preparing at the same time. Without getting my hopes up too much. Which is crappy. Whatever I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm obviously confused about all this right now.

So if someone could tell me how to be smart without being attached to my job, attractive without being seductive, strong without appearing like I'll never need a man, and pretty much just how to see myself right now cause I have no idea how to see myself, that'd be great, thanks.

HAAAAPPPPYYYY FRIIIIIDDDAAAYYY

*Although, if you live here in town, we are planning a super-amazing fun night on the 14th (yes, I know its Valentines, and do I care? No. Everyone needs something to do anyway. Besides, it was the only free weekend night in the next two months). So stay tuned.

here, where I am, and where I am not...

I'm not sure how to explain where I'm at right now. For a long time I was content; a little happy, even. I'm in this place, physically and ministry-wise, that I know I'm supposed to be in. It's CLEAR. For now, until I'm guided elsewhere, I need to be loving and discipling all these high school girls. My bigkids. And I truly enjoy it. I love the depth, and the mini-society that is created in the group. I love helping, and watching them grow.

Lately it's been more difficult, though. Were there just more distractions this fall? I don't really think so. But the last month or so I've been having a hard time. I think the issue arrives when I recognize that if it were up to me, I wouldn't be here. I would be living differently, I hope. I would be traveling, and in a place where I have good community, and working in a job I liked more. I would live in a city, or I would live nowhere. I would have more time to be creative. We've talked about all this, yes? I feel like there are no more life-changes I can make here in Bakersfield. I live in as cheap an apartment as I can get away with where my kids' parents still let them hang out. I'm working hard at my job and am very thankful right now that I have a job. I'm trying to create community here as much as possible. I'm as me as I can get here. Yet there is still this sense that... this isn't me. The putting on hold of my dreams and desires and the way I'd like to be living is grinding out this loss of self. I want to throw my head back and howl in the grocery store that this isn't my life. But that's the point, right? It isn't my life. I'm losing my SELF. How I define myself. Rarely anymore do I even have time to do the things I like to do. People's perceptions of me are continually off-base. I understand with more depth these days what was meant by "I become all things to all men that I might save some".

So, I'm trying to work out this dichotomy. I don't want to completely ignore who I am or my dreams. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want that either. But how do I live like this? When God so clearly confirmed (on new year's eve, actually, ironically) my place, for a moment I despaired. Am attempting to not sink into depression. I desperately need community to breathe life into me. Am now tearing up at work. Crap. I also do know that I need to spend more depth of time with Christ. He needs to breathe more life into me if I'm going to be able to go on here. And I need to let him. I don't want to resent being here, or not like it, but getting sucked in is not an option either. I am well provided for, and am circumstantially just fine. Sometimes I think those trials would be easier to deal with than this inner struggle of the mind and heart.

Somewhere it seems that I've learnt this lesson before... over. and over. and over. The loss of self must be pretty important. Must I lose all of myself? Yes, all. Idiot. I truly do want what Christ wants. I just didn't think he'd have me in whitemiddleclassamerica. Silly me. Beware, when you tell Jesus, "I'll follow you wherever you need me," that it might mean some strange things. But I guess people here need to hear about the true Christ and his way as well. Maybe even more so than others.

But still... it eats at me. If you pray, or even if you don't, pray for me. I'm not doing so hot.

Whew. What a month. In a nutshell, this is what December contained for me:


occupational hazard (or party?) planned
35 kid's gifts for above wrapped
a three-day trip to Redding
4 holiday parties in one week
getting tanned
Brother's wedding
Christmas with the family
hours many of overtime to close out the year
not being alone, ever, except while sleeping


January started a little bit better as I took time off from the world at large by hiking alone on New Year's Day (except that I chose the beach for it's beauty and was rewarded with a "happy new year!" and a big grin from each of the fifty people I passed that day. shudder). I also got a ton of crap done that I'd been putting off, and threw Italian Food Nite where I packed in all the fun cooking and baking I hadn't been doing into one day.


As for the part about where December depressed me, or put me in a funk, in the midst of all the happy activity, that I haven't quite figured out or pushed through completely? More on that later. When I figure it all out. I will say that a) Christ again confirmed that I am to be here, now, ugh, and b) I decided to designate Tuesday nights as alone time because my, oh my, how grouchy and awful I can get if I am not alone ever.


So for anyone who feels neglected, I will call/see you soon to reinstate our friendship.


About a million pictures came from the above activities, and my favorites follow:

OH WAIT. I FORGOT I BROKE THE SCREEN ON MY LAPTOP WHEN I KNOCKED IT OFF MY BED.